black photos.

A package arrived in the post. My slide film I took in Edinburgh last trip. I ripped the cardboard open, there is the film strip, all folded neatly. I can remember some of the shots but I'm looking forward to re-remembering all the shots I have no memory of taking. The many hued green corridors, the white operating theatre.I took lots of double shots 20cm apart on a horizontal plain to make stereoscopic images. Okay, need to be prepared for some of them to be rubbish, blurred, too dark. No, I unfold the film to reveal... nothing... black film, nothing to be seen but black film. All those photos I took, don't exist, they are a mere memory, a possibility, but only in my mind's eye. Photos that were dead before they hit the light or was it too much light? film fault? camera fault? lens fault? my fault. I finished the film off with lots of photos of my sun filled house in early March. Black film. black photos. I had less emotion than a film full of half good photos, I suppose because that would have deemed me a bad photographer. I put the film in the bin and said, "oh well," did a small calculation on how much I had spent and walked away.

2 x 40 mins

So, we are gonna be doing two 40 minute shows everyday in Edinburgh expect Mondays. To mirror this and feel a tiny bit of what that might feel like, I am going to sing twice daily for a solid 40 mins. It would be really good if I could build to the point whereby I was doing that at 4pm and 6pm. It would be like conditioning, setting the body clock. It would also be useful if I could think about bringing anxiety levels down prior to these sessions. I wont be anxious here, but knowing my tendency to get stressy, I want to help my brain find ways of not knee-jerking into old habits of panic. I also turn into a bastard just before a gig... my personal step into diva-ism...it aint pretty! It's induced by panic of, 'is everything in place'... it's not about, self doubt, I can't do it, it's just about having everything in good working order. I don't mind mistakes, but equipment failure rattles me... but a good healthy reminder of it doesn't actually matter, we will communicate and do the best we can, even if all instruments and lights fail, we can still sing and tell stories. I'll report back on how I'm doing.